‘Honor your father and your mother’. For many of us, this commandment echoes in our memory since childhood, associated with simple and direct obedience. It was a clear concept when we lived under their roof. But what happens when the years go by?
What does it mean to honor father and mother in adulthood, when we pay our own bills, we have our own family and, in many cases, the dynamics of care begin to be reversed?
The transition to adulthood often leaves us in a confused territory, questioning how to apply this eternal commandment in relationships that are now equal, and that are sometimes marked by wounds and complexities.
If you’ve ever felt lost, not knowing how to balance your independence with respect for your parents, or if you fight to honor parents with those who have a difficult relationship, know that this is one of the most important journeys of our Christian maturity.
This article will not bring easy answers, but will seek, with an empathetic and biblical look, to unravel the heart of this commandment for us adult children.
The axis change: leaving obedience, embracing respect
The first and most fundamental change in the application of this commandment in adult life is the transition from obedience to respect.
When we are children, honoring our parents is manifested primarily through obedience to His authority delegated by God. They are responsible for us, and our submission is a principle of order and protection.
However, as we become adults and form our own families, the Bible introduces a new fundamental principle that redefines this dynamic.
This change does not nullify the fifth commandment, but matures it. Honor is no longer about asking for permission and becomes about giving value.
It is no longer a question of following rules, but of offering a deep respect for the position they occupy in our lives, for the wisdom they have accumulated and for the role that God has given them as our parents.
It is to recognize that, although direct authority has changed, the position of ‘father’ and ‘mother’ is a lifelong title that deserves our reverence.
The Biblical Principle of ‘Letting and Uniting’
The text of Genesis 2:24, repeated by Jesus and Paul, is the key to this transition: ‘For this reason, a man will leave father and mother and will be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh.’
This principle of ‘letting and uniting’ establishes a new family unit as the main alliance and priority in adulthood. His primary loyalty, especially after marriage, turns to his spouse. Decisions are taken together with your partner, before God.
Honoring your parents, in this new context, means listening to your advice with attention and respect, but the final decision belongs to the new family you formed.
Real scenario: the decision of the young couple
André and Beatriz, married for two years, receive an excellent job offer for André in another city. The opportunity is fantastic for his career and for the future of the new family.
However, their parents, who live nearby, are desolate and express strong disapproval, arguing that they should be close to the family. The couple finds themselves in a dilemma.
Instead of getting into a fight or making the decision rebelliously, they practice honor. They sit with their parents, listen carefully to all their worries, validate their feelings of sadness and ensure that they will remain present in their lives.
After much prayer and conversation between them, the couple decides to accept the proposal. They communicate the decision to parents not with a ‘we win’ tone, but with love and respect:
‘We have heard and valued your advice a lot. It was the most difficult decision we have ever made.
We pray a lot and, as a couple, we feel that God is guiding us to this new step.
We love you and we want to find ways to stay even more connected, even from a distance.’
They honored their parents by valuing their opinion, but made their own decision as a new family unit.
Recognizing investment and legacy
Honoring father and mother in adulthood is an act of recognition. It’s looking back with gratitude and verbalizing the value they have in our lives.
Often, only in maturity do we begin to understand the dimension of the sacrifices that our parents made for us: sleepless nights, financial worries, postponed dreams, the investment of time and energy.
Honor manifests itself when we stop focusing on the flaws (which all parents have) and we start to actively celebrate the positive legacy they have built.
This valuation should not only be an internal feeling, but an external and intentional practice. It involves words of affirmation, acts of service and the celebration of their lives.
It is choosing to give them ‘credit in life’, recognizing that, with all their imperfections, they were the instruments that God used to bring us into the world and form us.
This attitude of gratitude not only blesses our parents, but also deeply pleases the God.
The commandment with promise
It is significant that the Fifth Commandment is, as Paul points out in Ephesians 6:2-3, ‘the first commandment with promise: ‘That everything will go well for you and have a long life on the earth”.
The blessing associated with this commandment reveals the weight that God gives to a culture of honor between generations. By honoring our parents, we are sustaining an order created by God that brings stability and blessing not only to our individual life, but to the whole society.
The promise is not a magic formula, but a principle: societies and families that honor their elders tend to be more stable, healthy and blessed.
the responsibility of care
The dynamics of honor change dramatically as our parents age. The responsibility that was once theirs to take care of us gradually transfers to us.
Honor elderly or sick parents often translates into very concrete acts of care, provision and patience. It is the call to repay the love and care we receive in our own phase of fragility.
This can be one of the most demanding challenges of adulthood, requiring sacrifice of time, financial resources and emotional energy.
This responsibility is not just a cultural suggestion, but a clear biblical duty. To neglect the care of our parents in their need is treated in the New Testament as a practical denial of the faith.
The way we take care of our parents in their old age is one of the most powerful testimonies of our love for God and others, demonstrating the reality of the Gospel in a tangible way.
The example of Jesus and the responsibility of the early church
Even at the moment of his greatest agony on the cross, Jesus demonstrated the practice of honor.
When he saw his mother, Mary, and the beloved disciple, John, he established a new arrangement of care: ‘Woman, there is her son’, and to John: ‘There is his mother’ (John 19:26-27).
At that moment, Christ made sure that his mother would be cared for. The early church took this responsibility very seriously.
In 1 Timothy 5:4, Paul instructs that children and grandchildren must ‘first learn to put their religion into practice, taking care of their own family and repaying the good received from their parents and grandparents, for this pleases God.’
The apostle goes so far as to say in verse 8 that ‘he who does not care for his own, and especially those of his family, has denied faith and is worse than an unbeliever’.
The challenge of honor in difficult relationships
So far, we’ve talked about relatively healthy scenarios. But what about when the relationship with parents is marked by pain, abuse, neglect or sin? How can we honor father and mother in adulthood when they were (or are) sources of deep wounds?
This is perhaps the most difficult and delicate application of this commandment. We need to understand that, in these cases, biblical honor is not a call for the denial of pain or for submission to a continuous sinful treatment.
The Bible never commands us to submit to abuse. Our ultimate loyalty is to God and his truth. Honoring parents who have hurt us does not mean pretending that sin did not happen.
It does not mean giving them control over our emotional or spiritual life. Often, the truest way to honor God and, paradoxically, to our parents, is to establish firm and healthy limits that prevent the pattern of sin from continuing.
Honor is not to agree, nor to trust blindly
Honoring, in toxic contexts, means respecting the position that God has given them as our parents, without necessarily validating or agreeing with their actions.
It means choosing to forgive them in our hearts, releasing debt and bitterness to God, even if reconciliation is not safe or possible.
It means praying for them, desiring the good of them and talking about them with respect to others (like our children), even if the close relationship is unfeasible. Honor here is an act of obedience to God, which frees us from the obligation to repair or be controlled by our parents.
Conclusion: honoring father and mother in adulthood
The journey to honor father and mother in adulthood is complex and unique for each of us.
We have seen that it involves a transition from obedience to respect, a constant practice of appreciation, an increasing responsibility for care, and, in the most difficult cases, the wisdom of establishing healthy limits. It is not a path of perfection, but of progress, driven by grace.
The strength to live this challenging commandment does not come from our own goodness, but from our identity as children of a perfect heavenly Father.
It is because we have been perfectly loved, forgiven and adopted by Him that we find grace to honor our earthly parents, with all their faults.
May God give us wisdom to sail these waters, heal the wounds of the past and build a legacy of honor that blesses both the previous and the next generation.
