Learn the power of forgiveness in families. The family should be our safe haven, the place of greatest love and acceptance.
However, for many, it becomes the stage for the deepest wounds. Harsh words spoken in a moment of anger, unfulfilled expectations, broken promises, years of silence and resentment.
The pain of a broken relationship in the family is unique, because it doesn’t stay behind when we leave home; it accompanies us, shapes our identity and haunts Sunday gatherings. Forgiveness in the family often seems like an impossible mountain to climb.
If you are reading this with a heavy heart, feeling the pain of a broken bond with a parent, child or sibling, know that you are not alone. This struggle is real and deeply painful.
The good news of the Gospel is that there is no relationship so broken that God ‘s grace cannot reach it. Restoration is neither easy nor guaranteed, but it is possible.
In this article, we will walk together through a biblical and practical roadmap, not with magic formulas, but with steps of faith to understand and apply God’s power to restore broken relationships.
Step 1: Understanding the true cost of unforgiveness
Before we talk about the solution, we need to be honest about the cost of the problem.
We often cling to our hurt as an act of justice. We feel that to forgive would be to “let the other person win” or to invalidate our pain.
However, a lack of forgiveness is like drinking a poison hoping that the other person will die. The greatest prisoner of resentment is not the offender, but the offended.
Bitterness is a heavy burden that we carry on our shoulders, affecting our emotional, spiritual and even physical health, robbing us of our joy and preventing us from living the fullness that God has for us.
The spiritual and emotional burden
A lack of forgiveness is more than just a relationship problem; it is a barrier to our communion with God. Jesus was clear about this in Matthew 6:14-15:
“For if you forgive each other your trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive one another, your heavenly Father will forgive you your trespasses.”
This doesn’t mean that we have lost our salvation, but that our intimate relationship with the Father is obstructed. How can we ask God for a grace that we refuse to extend to others?
Bitterness, as the author of Hebrews 12:15 warns, is a “root” that sprouts up and “causes trouble, and through it many are defiled”. It contaminates our soul and affects all the other relationships around us.
Step 2: Redefining forgiveness
One of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness in the family is our misunderstanding of what it really means.
We carry definitions that make the act of forgiving so heavy that it seems impossible.
We therefore need to demystify forgiveness, aligning our understanding with the biblical perspective, which is both liberating and radically different from that of the world.
Demystifying forgiveness
Based on the Bible, we can understand forgiveness as follows:
- Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. The memory of the wound can remain. Forgiveness is choosing not to use that memory as a weapon against the other person in the future.
- Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. It is a decision. It is an act of the will, empowered by the Holy Spirit. Often, the decision to forgive comes long before the feelings of pain go away.
- Forgiveness is NOT saying that what happened was “nothing”. On the contrary, forgiveness acknowledges the seriousness of the offense. It says: “What you did was very wrong and hurt me deeply, but I choose not to hold you to this debt any longer”.
- Forgiveness is NOT immediate reconciliation. Forgiveness is a unilateral act that you can do alone in your heart before God. Reconciliation is a two-way process that requires repentance and change on the part of the other party and the restoration of trust. You can forgive someone with whom reconciliation is currently impossible or even unsafe.
The ultimate model of forgiveness is what God offers us in Christ, as Colossians 3:13 says: “Forgive as the Lord has forgiven”. God didn’t minimize our sin; He took it seriously and paid the price for it. Forgiveness is, in essence, an act of faith where we release the other person’s debt and surrender the right to justice and revenge into the hands of the only perfect Judge.
Step 3: Practicing empathy
Once we have decided to forgive, the next step in softening our hearts is to practice empathy.
Empathy doesn’t justify the other person’s sin, but it does help us to humanize them. When we’re hurt, our tendency is to turn the offender into a one-dimensional monster.
Empathy invites us to look beyond the offense and consider the history, pain and weaknesses of the person who has hurt us.
We often find that wounded people end up hurting other people.
Trying to understand the other person’s perspective doesn’t mean agreeing with it.
It just means recognizing that the story is probably more complex than our pain allows us to see.
This practice diminishes the flame of our anger and makes room for compassion, which is an essential ingredient for lasting forgiveness.
The biblical principle of empathy
The greatest example of empathy in the midst of offense is that of Jesus himself on the cross. Looking at his executioners, he didn’t pray for justice, but said: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
Jesus saw beyond the evil of the act and saw the spiritual blindness that motivated them. He refused to see them only as enemies and saw them as lost sinners in need of the same grace he was offering. We are called to follow this example, asking God to give us eyes to see the broken humanity behind the offense we have received.
Step 4: Taking the first step
After the internal work of deciding to forgive and practicing empathy, the time may come to seek reconciliation, which is the restoration of the relationship.
It’s important to remember that while forgiveness is unilateral, reconciliation is bilateral. It also depends on the other person’s willingness to recognize their mistake and change.
In some cases, especially in situations of abuse or when the other party is unrepentant, full reconciliation may not be possible or safe, and forgiveness must still take place in our hearts.
However, in many family conflicts, the search for reconciliation is the way that honors God.
And the Bible teaches us that the initiative must be ours. We shouldn’t wait for the other person to come to us.
Moved by the Gospel, we are called to be agents of peace, to take the first step, even if we have been the ones offended.
The biblical principle of initiative
In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus gives us a radical instruction:
“Therefore, if you are presenting your offering before the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there, before the altar, and go first to be reconciled with your brother; then come back and present your offering.”
Note that Jesus says “if your brother has something against you”, which implies that the initiative is ours even if we don’t feel “guilty”. Our worship of God is directly connected to our search for peace in our relationships.
Conclusion: The power of forgiveness in families
The power of forgiveness in the family is not a mystical force, but the power of the Gospel applied to our closest relationships.
Forgiveness is a process that begins by recognizing the cost of bitterness, continues by redefining forgiveness as a decision to release the debt, is softened by the practice of empathy and culminates in the courageous search for reconciliation. It’s not an easy path, and often requires multiple attempts and a lot of prayer.
The strength to forgive does not come from within us, but from a constant gaze at the cross, where we receive a forgiveness infinitely greater than any forgiveness we will ever be required to offer.
If you’re in the middle of a broken relationship today, don’t give up. Start with the first step. Decide in your heart to forgive, hand over justice to God and ask the Holy Spirit to begin the work of healing in you. Remember, in Christ, reconciliation is the heart of God, and He delights in restoring what is broken.
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